I wrote in my old journal today. Here is an excerpt from it referencing the change that happened in 2009, from happy to miserable:
"I went to an asylum in early 2009. Got off the Tramadol I was addicted to because it was causing psychosis and had the best 2/3rd of a year ever. I was happy. Me. Happy. Then something changed. What, I cannot say. No horrific trauma. No death. No nothing. It happened within hours. My life was changed from then on. Now I'm angry. I'm so fucking angry and confused. I deserved to be happy after all I went through. My joy was ripped away with no reason. I wonder what I did wrong. What sin I am paying for. What did I do that was horrible enough to merit such a punishment? The misery itself is enough, but coupled with the brief taste of happiness...this truly must be hell."
How melodramatic. But, that doesn't make it true. I'm still horribly confused, and I feel that I will stay that way my entire life.
I've been taking a lot of medicine lately. I just want to sleep. When I'm not asleep I'm high. Then I go back to sleep. But now I can't sleep because I've slept so much. These hours are truly horrific.
But as I look back through the earlier pages of my journal, back in 2007, I realize these days will one day be a memory too. One day it will all be over and I can finally live. I'll look back on my entries and...maybe laugh, maybe cry, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that this will be gone.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Well, I came awful close to suicide last night. Felt horribly cold on the inside. I can't fucking wait until this medication works. I only seem to be getting worse.
I find it unfair that I have to act normal. That I have to go about with life while I'm falling apart. It's all External Me's fault. She makes it to where no one sees how much pain I'm in. Well they should see. But she won't let down her guard. I just want to run screaming into the night but she'd never allow it. Someone with a physical disease can stay home, show their pain, bitch and moan {I would know, I have that too}, but for someone like me people say to suck it up and carry on. I have Fibromyalgia, TRAPS {extremely rare and painful} Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and a bunch of other fucking diseases. I'd rather feel the pain a million times over if I could just have my sanity. The mental issues are a thousand times worse than any physical pain I've felt. {and I've felt some of the worst}
I can't even clean my fucking room. There are gnats everywhere. I can barely see the floor. I have a narrow spot to sleep on my bed because of all the shit on it. Every time I feel well enough to clean I get depressed again and it gets filthy. It's futile. I'm just sit at night and wait to die. In the day External Me takes over and fakes being happy for me, but at night it's a nightmare. I'm getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore.
I find it unfair that I have to act normal. That I have to go about with life while I'm falling apart. It's all External Me's fault. She makes it to where no one sees how much pain I'm in. Well they should see. But she won't let down her guard. I just want to run screaming into the night but she'd never allow it. Someone with a physical disease can stay home, show their pain, bitch and moan {I would know, I have that too}, but for someone like me people say to suck it up and carry on. I have Fibromyalgia, TRAPS {extremely rare and painful} Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and a bunch of other fucking diseases. I'd rather feel the pain a million times over if I could just have my sanity. The mental issues are a thousand times worse than any physical pain I've felt. {and I've felt some of the worst}
I can't even clean my fucking room. There are gnats everywhere. I can barely see the floor. I have a narrow spot to sleep on my bed because of all the shit on it. Every time I feel well enough to clean I get depressed again and it gets filthy. It's futile. I'm just sit at night and wait to die. In the day External Me takes over and fakes being happy for me, but at night it's a nightmare. I'm getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
In a few minutes I'll be barely conscious, so I thought I'd do a quick little post because why not?
I had my first cello lesson today. I look forward to completely frustrating my teacher with my inability {would you believe I typed unabilify?} to read music due to my dyscalculia. I have a strong musical ear, though.
I had the strong urge to off myself today, despite external me having a real time. I felt empty and cold on the inside. The second I wasn't occupied with something I wanted to string myself up from the ceiling. She's such a bitch, doing that all the time.
Last night I thought I might die. My 200mg of Seroquel made me so unbearably sedated. I stood up and couldn't walk. I stumbled around my room a bit before going in to sleep with my mother, telling her to watch me incase I stop breathing. The only reason I DIDN'T want to stop breathing was mother. I couldn't do that to her. It would crush her. If it wasn't for her I would have offed myself long ago. I wonder what happens after you die. I suppose that's another reason, fear of the unknown.
I'm starting to feel less of a connection to people. I'm separating the personalities even more so. External me can have her relationships, her hobbies, her emotions, but I don't feel them very strongly at all. It's like I'm wearing bubblewrap around me. If someone touches me in said bubblewrap, I can barely feel it. Things cease to thrill me. Her emotions are so shallow. I wish I could feel them, though.
Sigh. When will this medication kick in? I just want to sleep now. I'm bored with everything.
Fare-thee-well.
EDIT: Holy shit please don't think I'm killing myself or something. I re-read this and that's what it sounds like, sort of. No, I am not killing myself. Rest easy.
I had my first cello lesson today. I look forward to completely frustrating my teacher with my inability {would you believe I typed unabilify?} to read music due to my dyscalculia. I have a strong musical ear, though.
I had the strong urge to off myself today, despite external me having a real time. I felt empty and cold on the inside. The second I wasn't occupied with something I wanted to string myself up from the ceiling. She's such a bitch, doing that all the time.
Last night I thought I might die. My 200mg of Seroquel made me so unbearably sedated. I stood up and couldn't walk. I stumbled around my room a bit before going in to sleep with my mother, telling her to watch me incase I stop breathing. The only reason I DIDN'T want to stop breathing was mother. I couldn't do that to her. It would crush her. If it wasn't for her I would have offed myself long ago. I wonder what happens after you die. I suppose that's another reason, fear of the unknown.
I'm starting to feel less of a connection to people. I'm separating the personalities even more so. External me can have her relationships, her hobbies, her emotions, but I don't feel them very strongly at all. It's like I'm wearing bubblewrap around me. If someone touches me in said bubblewrap, I can barely feel it. Things cease to thrill me. Her emotions are so shallow. I wish I could feel them, though.
Sigh. When will this medication kick in? I just want to sleep now. I'm bored with everything.
Fare-thee-well.
EDIT: Holy shit please don't think I'm killing myself or something. I re-read this and that's what it sounds like, sort of. No, I am not killing myself. Rest easy.
Rose, Rose, Rose Red
This is what inspired her name. The particular lyric is "For this freedom, I have given all I had, for this darkness I gave my light. For this wisdom, I have lost my innocence. Take my petals and cover me with night."
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Baby's First Visual Hallucination
Good god that was terrifying. Allow me to set it up;
I was all dressed up and walking around the pool on the Midnight Hour as usual, having olfactory hallucinations as usual, everything was so usual. No nerves, no fear, nothing. I was feeling particularly well. I was looking out at our woodsy back yard when I saw it. A gigantic, white, {hooded?} figure moving slowly yet quickly in front of the trees. I stopped dead in my tracks and stared, and when I did it turned into leaves. I gasped, turned, and bolted inside. I ran upstairs to tell mother. She told me it was probably my mediation making me sleepy. I told her I wasn't very sleepy at all and this was a very obvious hallucination. She said everything would be fine and that I should go to sleep. Oh, I forgot to mention {this is a bit funny}, when I told her, she clutched her covers, eyes widened and said "...that's spooky."
The figure itself wasn't all too horrifying. The situation was. Seeing something that's not there...I can't even explain it. Especially alone outside at night. But I saw it so clearly, it moved so swiftly and obviously. It moved like it knew I was watching. I cannot explain that, I'm sorry.
I'm taking a pill, you bet your life I am. I can't handle this sort of thing as sober as I am. What do I do? What comes next? I'm obviously getting worse. First the delusions, then the olfactory hallucinations, then the auditory hallucination, and now I'm fucking seeing things!? What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I've turned into someone from a movies I used to watch! I used to see "crazy" people on TV and it all seemed so distant from my life. But it crept up on me. Slowly, like a plague. I suppose it really can always get worse, can't it? I can only imagine what's next. I hope I don't lose my self awareness, my self-control. I don't want to be a babbling lunatic. God, I hope this Seroquel works. I don't want these hallucinations to combine. What if they come closer? What if they speak to me? No, no! I can't have that! I just can't! I would fling myself off a bridge!
My dear Army, hope this mediation works. Down with Rose-Red!
Fare-thee-well.
I was all dressed up and walking around the pool on the Midnight Hour as usual, having olfactory hallucinations as usual, everything was so usual. No nerves, no fear, nothing. I was feeling particularly well. I was looking out at our woodsy back yard when I saw it. A gigantic, white, {hooded?} figure moving slowly yet quickly in front of the trees. I stopped dead in my tracks and stared, and when I did it turned into leaves. I gasped, turned, and bolted inside. I ran upstairs to tell mother. She told me it was probably my mediation making me sleepy. I told her I wasn't very sleepy at all and this was a very obvious hallucination. She said everything would be fine and that I should go to sleep. Oh, I forgot to mention {this is a bit funny}, when I told her, she clutched her covers, eyes widened and said "...that's spooky."
The figure itself wasn't all too horrifying. The situation was. Seeing something that's not there...I can't even explain it. Especially alone outside at night. But I saw it so clearly, it moved so swiftly and obviously. It moved like it knew I was watching. I cannot explain that, I'm sorry.
I'm taking a pill, you bet your life I am. I can't handle this sort of thing as sober as I am. What do I do? What comes next? I'm obviously getting worse. First the delusions, then the olfactory hallucinations, then the auditory hallucination, and now I'm fucking seeing things!? What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I've turned into someone from a movies I used to watch! I used to see "crazy" people on TV and it all seemed so distant from my life. But it crept up on me. Slowly, like a plague. I suppose it really can always get worse, can't it? I can only imagine what's next. I hope I don't lose my self awareness, my self-control. I don't want to be a babbling lunatic. God, I hope this Seroquel works. I don't want these hallucinations to combine. What if they come closer? What if they speak to me? No, no! I can't have that! I just can't! I would fling myself off a bridge!
My dear Army, hope this mediation works. Down with Rose-Red!
Fare-thee-well.
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