Well, I came awful close to suicide last night. Felt horribly cold on the inside. I can't fucking wait until this medication works. I only seem to be getting worse.
I find it unfair that I have to act normal. That I have to go about with life while I'm falling apart. It's all External Me's fault. She makes it to where no one sees how much pain I'm in. Well they should see. But she won't let down her guard. I just want to run screaming into the night but she'd never allow it. Someone with a physical disease can stay home, show their pain, bitch and moan {I would know, I have that too}, but for someone like me people say to suck it up and carry on. I have Fibromyalgia, TRAPS {extremely rare and painful} Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and a bunch of other fucking diseases. I'd rather feel the pain a million times over if I could just have my sanity. The mental issues are a thousand times worse than any physical pain I've felt. {and I've felt some of the worst}
I can't even clean my fucking room. There are gnats everywhere. I can barely see the floor. I have a narrow spot to sleep on my bed because of all the shit on it. Every time I feel well enough to clean I get depressed again and it gets filthy. It's futile. I'm just sit at night and wait to die. In the day External Me takes over and fakes being happy for me, but at night it's a nightmare. I'm getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore.
Hey, White Rabbit,
ReplyDeleteI know things just seem bleak. You're in pain, and you're crazy, but believe me, it's all about state of the mind. Don't think of death, or darkness. Don't think about what your brain makes you believe. There is no past, and there is no future, there is only this moment and yourself.
Think about beauty, things that make you happy. Anything. Flaws, imperfections, and their greatness. Find something you can lose yourself in, and fall into it. Perhaps write a book about a fictional universe where you are someone else, and your sickness is a strength.
The important thing is not to let your mind overpower you. I enjoy you and your writing, it'd be a shame and a great loss if you were to go away.
-Kat
Hmm this got me thinking about that Insomnia post with the whole battle between Rose-Red and (just to clarify, do we refer to 'External Me' as 'External Me' or 'External You'? And the same question with Logical.. is the 'Me' just part of their names, or is it in reflection of yourself? In which case we'd refer to them as 'You'.)
ReplyDeleteanyway, going on a massive tangent here - with the battle between rose red and external you (I'll just say you at the moment) - where are you in that battle? I know you always say 'floating around in their somewhere', but where would you be? If you call yourself the white rabbit - well, then does that mean you're lost like the white rabbit in the real world; returning to wonderland, or does the reference to the rabbit reflect your submission to the Red Queen? (So many questions I'm sorry) But I love detail - and I really am fascinated with that particular scene you painted... I would love it if you could go into detail with that scene - but of course, whether you do or not is entirely up to you. ^^
- Down with Rose Red!!
Sorry, my bad - I meant the "Red Queen of Wonderhell" post. ^^
ReplyDeleteYou could refer to her as "External You" or "External Me", whichever is easier!
ReplyDeleteI'm in the battle, too. I switch sides often, though. It gets confusing, even for me. Sometimes I want Rose Red to come through and make me happy, and other times I want to be a good person. I kind of want to kill Rose Red though because she's so mean to me. But then again, if you can't beat em, join em, right?
The White Rabbit thing is confusing, too. {I apologize} See, I'm your White Rabbit and Rose Red is my White Rabbit. I lead you into Wonderhell and she leads me further into Wonderhell. She's also the Red Queen at the same time, being the evil ruler over this place. {this place=my mind}
Which scene are you referring to? I'd be glad to go into detail.
And thanks for commenting, Brad. You're always so sweet and it's nice to know someone is there and interested. :)
Aha thanks for the compliment, and the clarification! :)
ReplyDeleteI was talking about the scene in the Red Queen of Wonderhell post... http://wonderhellrabbithole.blogspot.com/2011/09/red-queen-of-wonderhell.html#comments that one - where you describe the war going on, with like the bear army and logical me in the emerald tower.... I really find that story so interesting, it makes me want to make a piece of art... or poetry.. or something! I don't know yet - but once my exams are over I may very well look into it - because that scene is making my creative vibe sing! lol
Sorry I took so late to reply! I haven't checked lately because of the oncoming exams, but yea. ^^~
If you could turn that scene into a longer story? or something, I don't know - I just find it such a good read! I'd love to see writings on it - of course if that was a spur of the moment thing, I can't force creativity (I know for a fact, no one can) so yea. ^^ Whatever you write is good really, I love your imagination. :3