Good god that was terrifying. Allow me to set it up;
I was all dressed up and walking around the pool on the Midnight Hour as usual, having olfactory hallucinations as usual, everything was so usual. No nerves, no fear, nothing. I was feeling particularly well. I was looking out at our woodsy back yard when I saw it. A gigantic, white, {hooded?} figure moving slowly yet quickly in front of the trees. I stopped dead in my tracks and stared, and when I did it turned into leaves. I gasped, turned, and bolted inside. I ran upstairs to tell mother. She told me it was probably my mediation making me sleepy. I told her I wasn't very sleepy at all and this was a very obvious hallucination. She said everything would be fine and that I should go to sleep. Oh, I forgot to mention {this is a bit funny}, when I told her, she clutched her covers, eyes widened and said "...that's spooky."
The figure itself wasn't all too horrifying. The situation was. Seeing something that's not there...I can't even explain it. Especially alone outside at night. But I saw it so clearly, it moved so swiftly and obviously. It moved like it knew I was watching. I cannot explain that, I'm sorry.
I'm taking a pill, you bet your life I am. I can't handle this sort of thing as sober as I am. What do I do? What comes next? I'm obviously getting worse. First the delusions, then the olfactory hallucinations, then the auditory hallucination, and now I'm fucking seeing things!? What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I've turned into someone from a movies I used to watch! I used to see "crazy" people on TV and it all seemed so distant from my life. But it crept up on me. Slowly, like a plague. I suppose it really can always get worse, can't it? I can only imagine what's next. I hope I don't lose my self awareness, my self-control. I don't want to be a babbling lunatic. God, I hope this Seroquel works. I don't want these hallucinations to combine. What if they come closer? What if they speak to me? No, no! I can't have that! I just can't! I would fling myself off a bridge!
My dear Army, hope this mediation works. Down with Rose-Red!
Fare-thee-well.
Hello White Rabbit,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Kat (but that's a ruse, I'm definitely a dog). I have to say, it's nice to finally contact you. I've been following your story for a while now. As a mildly-psychotic person myself, I'm very interested in yourself and your experiences.
In regards to your recent experiences, I want you to know that visual hallucinations are very common, especially on certain meds, and that whenever you're frightened, just try to remind yourself that it's just your mind. If it gets too unbearable, it's best to tell your mother. Else you'll probably be covering your room in aluminum foil and yelling at dinosaurs in your back yard in the dead of night. One of my cousin's even went as far as to stab someone.
Beside that, the reason I'm finally contacting you is that I'm wondering if you would like to see some art inspired by your blog? If not I'll just keep them in my portfolio. I wanted to ask permission before I posted anything. Please respond whenever or however you'd like.
Warmest regards,
-Kat
Dear Kat,
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, I have no words to describe how happy and flattered I am right now. You have no idea how much this means to me. I would be thrilled to see your art! Thank you for being so sweet and considerate and asking permission. From now on, you {and anyone else!} totally have my permission to post anything that they want me to see. My god, I ran to my mother nearly crying tears of joy!
I'm sorry that you suffer from something similar. I don't believe anyone should have to experience this. It is truly awful. May I ask the story on your cousin? If you want to keep it private, I understand.
Your rank just went WAY up in the Army! :D Might I ask how you heard of this blog? I want more awesome followers like you!
Love,
White Rabbit.
White Rabbit,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you agreed, and even more glad that you enjoy the idea. I have to tell you though, I'm a cartoonist and therefore no Picasso, hahah, so I hope they don't disappoint. When I upload them I'll give you a direct link so you can view the work.
My family is plagued by many mental illnesses. My cousin is just one more person who inherited schizophrenia, but at a very early age. He has never known anything besides the voices in his head and the things that he sees. So at the age of 27 he has the mindset of a six year old boy. And he thinks everyone is the devil, out to kill him. So that, plus his gargantuan stature is a pretty deadly combo.(Seriously, all my schizo family members are giants.)
I myself have a simple Schizoid personality disorder, and slight suicidal/homicidal urges. However, at about my age is when the symptoms of Schizophrenia begin to appear, so I'm pretty high strung lately...
Where I heard about your blog....the memory escapes me, but high chances are that I read about it on Reddit, or stumbled upon it why researching mental disorders. (I have a thing for serial killers, so I read about mental psychoses often.)
Anyhow, I'll send you the pictures ASAP! Thanks very much for responding :3
Sincerely,
-Kat
I'm sorry to hear about your family having to go through that. Especially your cousin. I couldn't imagine what that must be like. I should complain less.
ReplyDeleteAnd we seem so alike! I too have a fascination with killers {I greatly sympathize with them}, especially Ed Gein. Ed Gein has to be the saddest in my eyes. That poor man, I just want to hug him. {and your cousin too!}
I sincerely hope that you don't experience any schizophrenic symptoms. That, to me, is the worst of any mental disorder. I feel lucky that I don't have it {yet!} and that I've only experienced mild hallucinations. The lack of peace must be so tiring.
Gah I'm so excited though! I'm honored to have such a wonderful reader! Thanks!