I wrote in my old journal today. Here is an excerpt from it referencing the change that happened in 2009, from happy to miserable:
"I went to an asylum in early 2009. Got off the Tramadol I was addicted to because it was causing psychosis and had the best 2/3rd of a year ever. I was happy. Me. Happy. Then something changed. What, I cannot say. No horrific trauma. No death. No nothing. It happened within hours. My life was changed from then on. Now I'm angry. I'm so fucking angry and confused. I deserved to be happy after all I went through. My joy was ripped away with no reason. I wonder what I did wrong. What sin I am paying for. What did I do that was horrible enough to merit such a punishment? The misery itself is enough, but coupled with the brief taste of happiness...this truly must be hell."
How melodramatic. But, that doesn't make it true. I'm still horribly confused, and I feel that I will stay that way my entire life.
I've been taking a lot of medicine lately. I just want to sleep. When I'm not asleep I'm high. Then I go back to sleep. But now I can't sleep because I've slept so much. These hours are truly horrific.
But as I look back through the earlier pages of my journal, back in 2007, I realize these days will one day be a memory too. One day it will all be over and I can finally live. I'll look back on my entries and...maybe laugh, maybe cry, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that this will be gone.
Hi! It's been a while..
ReplyDeleteHow were your holidays? I was wondering where you've wandered off to.
I hope you've been okay, and hope to see a new post soon. I feel like I can connect with you and your blog. Lately I've been feeling something awful tugging at the corners of my sanity. Thought you might still be writing.
Whether you are or aren't, have a great holiday, wherever you might be.
-Kat