In a few minutes I'll be barely conscious, so I thought I'd do a quick little post because why not?

I had my first cello lesson today. I look forward to completely frustrating my teacher with my inability {would you believe I typed unabilify?} to read music due to my dyscalculia. I have a strong musical ear, though.

I had the strong urge to off myself today, despite external me having a real time. I felt empty and cold on the inside. The second I wasn't occupied with something I wanted to string myself up from the ceiling. She's such a bitch, doing that all the time.

Last night I thought I might die. My 200mg of Seroquel made me so unbearably sedated. I stood up and couldn't walk. I stumbled around my room a bit before going in to sleep with my mother, telling her to watch me incase I stop breathing. The only reason I DIDN'T want to stop breathing was mother. I couldn't do that to her. It would crush her. If it wasn't for her I would have offed myself long ago. I wonder what happens after you die. I suppose that's another reason, fear of the unknown.

I'm starting to feel less of a connection to people. I'm separating the personalities even more so. External me can have her relationships, her hobbies, her emotions, but I don't feel them very strongly at all. It's like I'm wearing bubblewrap around me. If someone touches me in said bubblewrap, I can barely feel it. Things cease to thrill me. Her emotions are so shallow. I wish I could feel them, though.

Sigh. When will this medication kick in? I just want to sleep now. I'm bored with everything.

Fare-thee-well.

EDIT: Holy shit please don't think I'm killing myself or something. I re-read this and that's what it sounds like, sort of. No, I am not killing myself. Rest easy.