Facing Things

I really like Nancy Thompson. She’s the final girl of the first Elm Street movie. I always saw her as something more, though.

Oh oh wait. Before I begin, I’d just like to say I’m a little bit high and I have noodle hands, so I might make a few mistakes, but hopefully it isn’t…un readable. Why can’t I think of that word?

Anyway, she’s such a role model to me. Every time something awful happens (and something awful often happens around here), I say to myself, “What would Nancy do? Nancy would face this and not act like a little bitch about it.” I always feel better.

When I think about that movie really deeply, I see Freddy as Nancy’s fear embodied. I wish I could but my fear and my pain and my misery into a physical form and defeat it. Like Alice in Wonderland. The Queen of Hearts was everything Alice hated. Especially in American McGee’s Alice. I remember the Hatter being like her fear or something, and Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum being some evil nurses in the asylum she was staying at, etc. I wish it was that easy.

I went to the doctor today for back pain (which I’m having now, fuck). We’re considering a breast reduction, and now I’m told I have some stupid hormone issue. More bloodwork, different doctors, different disease. I stopped talking my Lyrica because I don’t like taking medicine. I stopped taking Zoloft, too, and I’m happier. Zoloft killed my anxiety, and therefor killed my OCD, which I absolutely, 100% CANNOT live without. I go batshit insane without OCD. If I don’t have my own little fucked up sense of order, everything comes unlaced. Whenever I’m at a doctors office getting my blood drawn, I imagine Freddy’s there with me, holding my hand, and somehow it’s easier. If I’m with people I hate doing something I hate, Freddy’s there, or I’m being chased by a killer, or I’m the killer, and I feel fine. I feel better than I would if I would of stayed at home.

I’ve noticed my painkillers enhance it. So yes, I’m self-medicating. I’ve been off of my meds twice, and it was something else. I’ve (nearly) never been that miserable. I think I should get to a point of my life where I can handle living, then get off of it. I bet my liver hates me. Or is it my kidneys that hate me? I’m not sure. Since my immune system attacks me everyday, I’m pretty sure my whole body really really REALLY hates me.

Anyway, I’m going shopping tomorrow/today. I really love to shop. I love fashion. I like to think that my body is a canvas, and that I get to paint it however I want every day. People always tell me I should design, but I can hardly draw and I couldn’t come up with new things every season. I’d rather be a psychologist. Or a writer/director. I already have loads of ideas for horror movies. (all female killers, naturally, since I’m such a feminist. well, all but one.) I keep switching between what type of horror I want to make. There’s the Shining type, where it’s really weird and beautiful and artsy (sort of. it’s hard to explain) or the Friday the 13th type, where it’s a stereotypical slasher. Or maybe like SAW, kind of a thriller, very modern. I dunno.

I’ve noticed I’m rambling. Oh well, I need to get everything out somewhere.

I’m really sick sick sick of cold weather. I think maybe I’m experiencing some sort of seasonal depression. Or severe mood swings like the doctor said. I swear, it will change in minutes. For a few minutes, I’m perfectly happy, content, whatever. Then, minutes later, I’m contemplating suicide. (well, maybe not contemplating it, just thinking that it sounds nice. but I couldn’t do that to mom.) It’s weird. I guess that’s one reason I like pain medicine so much. It just neutralizes everything. It helps me sleep, keeps me content, it’s a wonder pill. I really could care less about anything going on around me. All I think about is how good I feel and how much I love Freddy. The best way I could describe it is Cherub Rock. That song is what it feels like.

Hm…I should go to bed. My appointment is at 8:30 and it’s 1:19. :( And I still need to shower. (another OCD thing. hot showers are epic) So I guess I’ll leave you. I just noticed I use a lot of parenthesis. (I totally did not spell that right, but spell check isn’t saying anything…confuzzlefied) I have a lot to say, I guess.

Anyway, good night, morning, afternoon, whatever.