It has come to my attention that my daydreams are much more horrific than my actual life. This is funny because aren’t daydreams there to escape to a better place? I mean, sometimes I’m literally in hell.

And don’t think I’m always the killer. (I often am, but not all the time.) I’ve been the victim more times than I could ever count. I’ve died in so many horrible ways it’s insane. Suicide, murder, freak accidents, or just dying from all of the pain.

But then I realize that it’s all an elaborate set up for revenge and bloody killings.

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I dress up in corsets and bloody makeup and go walk circles around my pool in the wee hours of the morning. It’s nice until someone wakes up and sees me and I freak them out.

Also, it kind of hurts my feet, walking that long.

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I had to use some self-control today. I was in a very kill-y mood.

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I learned about Anthrax today and will from now on be horrified of grass and plants. Damn this curiosity.

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I’m very sad because it will never really be worth it for me. I want the ultimate. I want death and revenge. Sometimes I can convince myself that I’ll get what I want. The delusion gets strong and I believe it. Those moments are so nice. I’m so calm yet angry at the same time.

I’ve noticed that I mistake anger for happiness a lot. I’m not sure if I know exactly what happiness is. I’ve been raging through my life for about six or seven years now. Pretty much all I’ve been feeling for that length of time is angst. (I love that word. It combines sadness in anger all it one tongue roll-y package.) Anger makes me happy, I guess. But is that happiness? Does anyone even know what happiness is? I suppose it’s individual to the person but how can one emotion be another? Shouldn’t they be clearly defined?

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Am I God?

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Some people deserve to be put out of their misery. I’m not talking about myself.

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I hate having a strong desire for something I simply can’t ever have. It’s just not fucking fair. I can feel it in my bones, in my fingers almost all the time. I don’t understand why I would be cursed like this. I lie awake a night longing for the dream. What kind of higher power does this kind of thing? What’s the reason?

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God I fucking hate everything.