Holy oh my god, you guys. I just came up with the most unbelievably great plot for a movie.

But first let me tell you about my little visit with my therapist.

I haven’t been in quite awhile, and I decided it would be a good time to go. My OCD “un-stoppable stream of scary-ass thoughts” was acting up and I wasn’t able to sleep a lot. I’ve noticed it’s mostly self-contemplation. I always try to figure myself out and never can. I almost think my mind is making up it’s own symptoms so I always have something to solve and obsess over. Once I figure out one thing, another pops up. It used to be predictable; that’s bipolar, that’s OCD, whatever. But lately I’ve been showing outlandish symptoms. Symptoms that don’t coordinate with any illness I know of. It’s irritating.

Anyway, I go to my therapist. She wants to talk about me and my always wanting to kill people. She asks if I still fantasize about that sort of thing, and I of course say yes. I’ve been doing that for about 4 years now. It’s going strong with no signs of stopping. (these thoughts are deliberate, not like the unstoppable ones.) She tells me how concerning it is. No one’s ever really taken it seriously or has ever worried about it, so I’m in shock. I tell her there are times when the line between the thought of it and the reality becomes very blurry. I ask her to not commit me, please. She says she’ll only commit me if she believes I’m going to walk out of her office and kill someone. That’s relieving.

I tell her about my daydreams, and the ever-present version of me that lives inside my head. I told her that it’s essentially me, but the only difference is that she has an axe. I told her about the one week where I got us a bit confused.

She told me to begin to separate her from me. I’ve been trying but it’s just so difficult. You see, when something not-so-nice happens, she takes over and I don’t have to deal with it. If she’s different than me, that makes the coping so much harder.

I’ve also found triggers for it. Taking more than my average dose of pain medication has a mild affect, but today was insane. My friend bought me a five hour energy (a stupid idea with someone like me. I got pissed at someone on it and it was like I was on PCP or something…I went mad. I was pacing back and forth breathing really hard. The thing that usually stops me when I’m angry is running out of energy, but I had an endless supply. I finally had to just run around outside till it subsided a bit. Scary.) and the barrier was thin. It was like I had each foot in two different worlds.

I was listening to the song A Daisy Chain 4 Satan (would you believe my mother introduced me to that song?) by My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult while running on the treadmill, trying to stop shaking and freaking out and it was then that I had the most brilliant idea for a movie plot. Here’s the song;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN0yI-ambNY

Here are my scribbled notes:

“Title-“White Rabbit”

Requiem for a Dream/Carrie/Donnie Darko

Main Character suffers delusions of being a killer+movie characters. Takes acid {I was considering her drink being spiked, but the ingestion of a hard-drug is certain} + triggers a delusional episode. Delusions get more and more realistic, eventually become real. Audience learns that there are alternate universes and that the character has the ability to see them. Alternate “Killer” version of character has been attempting to possess her, finally succeeding.

Scene Ideas:

Dead Body “Tea Party” (while having delusional episode)

“Daisy Chain 4 Satan” scene, when character takes drug. Character slowly walks towards her counterpart, the song playing quietly in the background. Character asks, “Who are you?” killer turns her head towards character and replies, “I’m the White Rabbit”, coordinating with the song, the screaming part starts louder than the first part and character is taken through the horrifying alternate world, slipping in and out of it.”

I really want to make this thing. I feel like the delusions that are happening to me are too interesting not to share, and movie making is definitely what I want to go into.

Gah, this is so exciting. This is the first time that I’ve ever had a super-structured idea. I have scenes, I have a beginning, and I have a middle. There’s no end yet, but when I come to it I’m sure it will just pop up like the rest did.

Okay, email and tell me what you think of it; whiterabbitfeedback@gmail.com

If anyone’s actually reading this. :-/