Insomnia 2

This damn insomnia. Even after I've started the oh-so "sedating" {FUCKING LIGHTWEIGHTS} Seroquel. Even the name sounds like tranquilize. Isn't that what it's for? God damn I hate medication.

It's to put you in a mental prison and keep you down. It erases your personality because society doesn't like it. I don't want to be on an antipsychotic. I want an antidepressant. I don't want to be in a mental prison, a straight jacket, I don't want any chemical lobotomy.

I know this Seroquel won't work anyway. Nothing works. Nothing can stop her. Nothing can stop me. Nothing can stop me.

God she's scary. She's like a bull. There's nothing you can do when she gets angry. I suppose strong enough medication could stop her, maybe...

But what do you risk by doing that? she says. You don't want to lose your soul to a pharmaceutical company, do you?

I don't want to stop her anymore. I just want to do what she says. I want to be happy for once. I know I can't do this because I may or may not end up in jail {she insists that no, I will not, she'll make sure of it}.

Christ almighty, she's breaking through. She wants me to go get all dressed up and walk around outside. She always wants me walking around our pool at odd hours. I always wonder why. I feel like it makes her feel free, like she could unlink the fence on our yard at any second and fulfill her horrible desires. No way to get around? No problem. She can walk. And no one would want to pick her up once they saw her. No one is that brave.

I'm really losing it tonight, aren't I? But god, I just want to shut down and let her take over.

Here's what's happening now; she's making me feel good. She feels like I'll let her out. The joy she gives me can be spent in two ways. I can either sort of...tease her like I do when I'm manic and almost let her out, or I can say no, I'm not going to do that, and spend my joy being me/external me.

Logical Me says that the happiness she gives me is simply mania from bipolar and that I'm trying to explain it by making up grand stories because that's how I am. But riddle me this, Logical Me, how do you exist if that's all it is? I'm a figment of your imagination, she says, something you created to represent a sector of your personality. Then why do you have separate emotions? ...she does not know.

Are they becoming more real? I'm not really crazy, maybe? Maybe I was before but now...they must be becoming real or something. They feel separate emotions and I feel them all. I feel their different personalities.

My psychiatrist says I feel too much and think far too little. I suppose I can agree. I "think" in a very odd way. When I pray {I pray. Would you believe that? It's my silly way of trying to cling on to faith and begging anyone and anything to fix me} instead of saying "I'm sad about school", images of school run through my head and I have an emotional reaction to it. I feel a lot. My actions are based on feeling rather than any kind of logical thought.

Should I tell someone? Should I tell my psychiatrist or therapist I feel like I can't stop her? They'll commit me. I know they will. I can't be committed. It will get worse. Restraints and sedation, I can see it. I won't go quietly but they have ways to make me go quietly.

Christ.