We're considering taking me off it. I'm not sure if it's working well enough to put up with the side-effects. Some days it works wonderfully {like right now.}, but others not so much. If I'm put in a high pressure situation I get dangerous again. Well, high pressure in my eyes.
This is absolutely miserable. Why was I made this way? Why was my reaction to a shitty situation to just break down completely? My mother says it's because I'm always alone and very creative. I'm starting to think it's the devil in me. She's just evil. Listen to me, I've gone completely mad. I never thought I'd be here at sixteen. I thought I would at least have, you know, friends. {plural} I feel like I was made broken. Like I was just this accident that was never meant to be let out into the world. That's why I'm so in love with serial killers. They were accidents, too. But much like Ed Gein, I'm not really bad. I'm just scared and crazy. The world sort of...fucked me over. {have I told you why, yet? I'll tell you sometime when I feel like writing about it}
I always found it funny that people will call them monsters. Do you ever wonder what happened to them to make them that way? The person who did that...now that's a monster. Imagine being so fucked up that you would take a life. {I don't have to imagine.} Isn't that horrible? Isn't that sad? Someone took their chance at being a wonderful human being away. They could have been a Beethoven or a Stevin Hawking.
Now I'm not saying I don't have a chance at being a wonderful human being. I have this dumb-puppy-like sense of hope. I really am delusional, aren't I?
Fare-thee-well.
you've got a brave soul now. do you have any outlets for your anxiety? like music? art? solving quadratic equations?
ReplyDeleteYou'll be a famous writer with the Wonderhell story - I am actually serious.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up hope, I believeeee in youuuuuuuuuu. :D
I've been reading this blog all the afternoon , just can't stop reading.
ReplyDeleteim starting up a blog about my mind and my struggles to understand myself as some one who is probably sane. you might enjoy it or think im just a silly person with trivial problems. tailsandcoats.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteThank you guys for commenting so much! Daysed I'm so happy I've kind of inspired someone to write and I'll be checking it out. This really is my outlet and that's about it.
ReplyDeleteBrad thank you soooooooo much. I really hope so. I really want to make it into a movie so people can visually see it.
Eduardo YESSSSSS that's what I'm hoping for. I've heard that before and it thrills me everytime. I guess it's like a train wreck. You just can't look away.