Wonderhell

Okay, so if you read my facebook status, you’ll know what I’m talking about. If you didn’t, it doesn’t matter, I’ll tell you anyway.

I was sitting in a noodle restaurant with my mother, and we were talking about me. She was actually looking up Borderline Personality Disorder (not for me, for someone else, but we realized it described over half of our family perfectly) and asking me a few questions. I was trying to explain to her what my mind is like. I decided it would be easy to understand if I made it a physical place, then described the place.

I’ll describe it to you, now.

Everything constantly changes and morphs. There is literally nothing stable here. You could see a door and it’s very small, then crawl through and look back, and it’s a normal sized door. (but very blurry. Everything looks like it’s on the verge of changing. Like I said, nothing is stable.) The floors are uneven, it’s like walking through a fun house. Sometimes there are very very cramped hallways and such. Sometimes the ceiling is painfully low, sometimes it’s scraping the sky. I told my mom I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Everything is just off everywhere.

Once I described it a name came to me. I called it WonderHell, because of it being so similar to Wonderland, but much worse and much more uncomfortable. It’s a neat thought, but it’s miserable to live here. I’m literally living in this place. Everything I say to you, I see everyday. I say see because it’s no longer a feeling I’ve put a place to it, so now instead of feeling something, I’m living somewhere. Make sense?

I’ll probably write quite a lot of stories on here about it. This is great, though. It makes everything so much easier to deal with. Remember in my very early blog post where I said I wish I was like Alice? That I want my pain and anxiety and…whatever else WonderHell is to be embodied so I can face it and deal with it?

This is a lot like Emilie Autumn’s Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls. She took the real asylum and made her own. It’s her emotions and feelings in physical form. Now she lives in the Asylum, she says, and everything goes right there.

I haven’t quite figured out how to tame mine like she tamed hers, though. I’m sure that will be a difficult task. It’s still very scary here and there are a lot of areas that aren’t explored. It comes to me in bits and pieces. I have to sew it together and make it one big thing.

I’ve have a few characters, too. There are a lot of parasites. They’re big, ugly bugs. I’m sure they have a queen somewhere. They don’t seem to like me at all. Then there’s this semi-invisible girl that looks just like me. She’s very shy and doesn’t want me to catch her, even though I try.

I wish I could paint so I could have a picture of it. Maybe I’ll take a class or two and learn how. That would be nice. I’d love to have a picture of it. It’s very blurry now.

I think writing a whole book on it would be cool, like Emilie did. Just writing this on here helps. Like I said, I have to get it out of me. It can’t just sit inside. It needs room to grow and there’s not enough inside of me.

I know I probably sound really crazy right now. Just to get things straight, I don’t think I’m actually living here. It’s just sort of a symbolic kind of thing.

I think it must be very huge, because certain parts are very different. Some parts have huge cathedral-like ceilings, with stone walls, much like an Elizabethan castle. Then others are much smaller and wooden, like a Victorian house. Everything is very dark. Even when it’s daytime outside, there are always clouds. The colors are dark. Lot’s of dark purple and gray.

Oh now I see my self in a very lovely medieval dress. I can’t tell if it’s whitish gray or dark purple. I’m laying in bed, like I am now. The bedchamber is very pretty. Stone walls, huge ceilings, those church-ish windows. (not stained glass) The bed is freaking huge. It’s black iron and it has a very spiky design. I can’t tell if it want’s to be more classic or thorny and monster-looking. I think it’s stuck with monster looking.

This is really quite nice at the moment. Maybe the pain medicine I took moved me here and got rid of the parasites that usually bother me.

Well, I’ll stop now. Sorry if I freaked you out. Once again, I know I’m not really living in this place. It just helps. Oh, a sword.

Bye and thanks for reading! (if anyone did…)

Rianne.